god shuffles his feet

A woman was at the beach with her children when her four-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to heaven," the mother replied.
Her son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
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for dravengodvamp my love

he laid his head in my lap like a loving child would to his mother after not seeing her for a week or even a year. like a lost love found again...I rubed his head enduringly just thinking about how beautiful he was..THen I thought of all the beautiful things in the world and how he compared to the ocean (forever, WOnderous, ENchanting, Calming,Beautiful in all its glory) this is what I think of when I see this man...This wonderful man who gives me so much joy... THose deep full eyes make my heart beat faster...I love him and I love it.....and it scares me ...but thats ok we tend to fear the unknown..well I love an I will walk this road with my hand in his because I am not alone anymore.....
The Mushy Bob~

first lj I ever wrote about you


man so much has happend this last week hell this last two years that have hurt..but one thing happend that didnt.. i found my true love again. lets hope he stays.

I dont really want totalk about what happend the people who need to know already do but i just had to get this one thing out

my head is spinning its like in full motion and I feel the crazy inside i have to get a hold of it I am so afraid that one day I will dissapear compleetly and be one of those people who thinks there jesus. someone shoot me if that ever happens. living in my head is so misreble msot of the time. everything is so hard from getting out of bed to keeping on a schedual simular to a hospitols. I hate this feeling. its the feeling tha tyour not gonna make it your lost in a way traveling down the hallway of doors trying each one just so you can get out.i would be silly to think I could ever be normal so i have tlive with this. but sometimes it gets old and tired and when new things pop up it gets harder. but maybe since new things became unraveled it means i am getting better bringing everything to the serface....i dont envy those of youwho have to know me. I would say sorry for being this way but I didnt do it. but I can say thank you for all those who put up with me or humor me. i wish all of you could see the kat that is inside. shes pretty cool. anyways will someone please show me wich way the door out is shit I am lost!
  • Current Music
    "notings gonna cahnge my world" fiona apple


man I look good today and have no place to go but I been feeling so blah lately I had to try to look decent....i hate the blah days.....i cant wait to do more with zombiedip she is an awsome photographer and an awsome friend...and has a great behind and is fun to do shoots with she makes it easy to just fuck around and hopfully get in a few good shots...I see a good future with her...I hope she sees some kind of potential with me. I want this more then anything I have wanted in a long be a model.... i have been a geek my wholelife and the thought of being a model is so exciting and makes me feel like a "superstar!" hands up......anyways thats all for now...looks like doug has to put down the machiens till feb. wich I know he hates and I feel so bad for ihhm but looks like he will be getting a job that will give us an ongoing income.....the baby is cute as ever and kinda sick I think. shes sleeping a bit to much. but thats good when they grow...anyways I am to yall soon.

fucking hormones

man I been so depressed lately...mostly because I cant get married when IWanted to...I know that marriage is suposed to be forever so waiting one more year isnt such a bad was jsut tha tI was soooo much lokoing forward to it and rushed to get back home just to do it. and at first it didnt even seem to bug doug at all so that was even more upsetting...but if men only knew how simple it was to make women feel a little bit better...if he would have jsut coem to me and gave me a big hug and told me how much he stiull wanted to be with me forever then the depression would have just been a saddness and a I am least I do know that half of that is hormones from getting ready to rag.

Frank and dianna have been so wonderful. the other day they gavew us a bunch of pots and pans and stirring and servings spoons and mesuring cups man you have no idea how loved I felt when frank brought over the box...its the little things that make life worth it. to know that there are people out there that want to help. I am not used to that..mostpeople help and expect something in return and expect eturnal grattitude and then throw it back in your face I am not used to people treating me the way I treat other people...its been a long time. most of my friends just help themselves to my generositoy...I wish it was those friensds that were helping and not hte ones that I havnt helped out to much... but someday they will need us and we will be there for them.

today so far is good the bank fixed the 2 cents over draw I made wich was ridiculious they charged me like 50$ for over drawing 2 cents! can you believe that shit! anyways...

I hope this depression goes away soon. I hope I can get on medicade so I can see a damn doctor so I dont have to check my ass in...I know I can get raven on it so that will be good I think she is getting sick and I am pretty sure she has an ear infection wich if I let it go to long could turn into a nasty thing that I really dont want to watch her go through.

anyways...I guess I am out for now. I really hope this deprssion goes away soon it sucks to want to die all the time.
I watch other people die on tv or movies and just wish I Was as lucky as them...I knwo that may sound weird or sick to most people but if you only knew some of the torment that I deal with on the inside...maybe youd understand. so many people are afraid of death... I wish for it most of the time...and I cna jsutify it by thinking that my loved ones would jsut be better off without me not having to deal with a mentally ill burdden....and thats not a whine or a poor me its the truth... I dont knwo if I would want to deal with it...I dont like living my life with a bunch of people just houmering me. makes me look a fool.... maybe I am.

signed The damned~
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

whats next.....

well....its been wha tlike 2 weeks I think sinc eI been home...things have been hard to say the least and you just have to remember what you have and not what you dont...wich is hard since you run around the house thinking to yourself ok I want ot make dinner and realize that youhave no pots or pans or big stirring spoons....or cookie sheets or toilet paper or cat food yada yada...wich makes things a bit hate to run back and forth barrowing other peoples things (by the way thanks frank for putting up with it)...but its been hard I know dravengodvamp is down because the job he hoped to get he didnt....and the other jobs he hoped he would get he didnt...but if he can rememebr to just hang in there something will come along....things are ment to be....on another note I am trying to figur eout weather I should put off our wedding just so that I can get the right ceramoney that I have in my head...its been hard to find certin people and hard to get ahold of others and hard to find a way to get others down sucks because one of the biggest reasons we came here at this time was jsut so we could be where we wanted to be on our wedding actually makes me sad and emotionally I want to jsut say fuck it do what we want and do the tiny little ceramoney ..but logically it makes more sence to hold off for another year and do what we really want..I dont knwo maybe someone has some sugestions....

on another note I am looking farward to zombiedip and her camera I know she could make me look beautiful and that is something I really need right now something to uplift my spirits...were not sure what were going to do exactly yet...but what ever we come up with will be great.

anyways...I hope something comes along soon we desperatly need pots and pans I was thinking about hitting up all my friends and seeing if anyone had anything to spare... hell we dont even have bowls! HA but we will soon I hope I hope....

on a good note we finally have a little bit of food so we can stop eating the same damn soup thats we have been eating.

so peoples give me your openion should we hold off another year or should we jsut go on with the ceramonie with the few close friends in town.... eiother way it would be great.. and if we do something small now and then next year have the wedding I really want maybe that would work...I know it would probably be the best of both worlds....

I know there was more I had to say but I totally forgot it all lol so untill next time...

  • Current Music
    very loud game that frank is playing


man tonight I have ha dlike 3 panic attacks in only a few much to take care of so little time and if everything doesnt go to plan then i might be fucked like with my cat and with my meds.....ran out of packing shit so I am not sure what ot pack my shoes in I am tinking about just mai,ing them, but I am not sure how much tha twill cost...but as you can see I can hardly even not to much worse then normal but my go tI am even shaking ok well as soon as I know everything isok I wlll settle down alot. i just cant wait to step into my new place and jsut run around our neighbors are going to hate us lol....
I got a kick ass tattoo today decated to two very special people to me they are going to shit there pants becaus eone of the friends didnt think I was serious when I said I would do it... tha twas like 4 years ago...
first thing I ahve to get is walki talkis lol "wink"

anyways I am off to bed...maybe tomarrow wont be so bad? HA yeah right tomarow I go and make sure they got my meds.......

night all
  • Current Music
    whatcha waiting for "gwen stefani